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SILVER SPRING, MD — The Food and Drug Administration approved a groundbreaking new weight loss patch Tuesday that is sewn directly over the patient’s mouth, calling the treatment a “promising option” for Americans who have zero fucking self-control.
The patch, marketed as Preventra and manufactured by Costco’s Kirkland Signature brand, contains no active ingredients, a feature regulators said helped speed approval.
“Because there is technically nothing in it, there was very little for us to evaluate,” said FDA spokesperson Karen Mulbridge. “It’s just medical-grade material, thread, and a skilled tailor with a steady hand.”
In clinical trials, surviving patients lost an average of 20 pounds in the first two weeks. Researchers described patient tolerance levels as “exceptional,” noting that participants voiced zero complaints throughout the entire study.
The manufacturer cautions patients not to wear the patch for more than one month, or “until your organs start shutting down, whichever comes first.”
Reported side effects include unwanted staring, severe weight loss, dehydration, infection, panic, and death.
At press time, several patients had learned to drink through their noses, which was allegedly having dramatic effects on longevity.
