Epstein Keeps Moving Satan's Massage to 'Next Tuesday'
The appointment has been rescheduled 359 times, allegedly.
News
Report: 348-Year Crop Circle Campaign Failed to Improve Conversion Metrics
The intergalactic consulting firm responsible for analyzing the campaign found strong awareness but little to no comprehension and recommends pivoting to lower-friction channels like push notifications, telepathy, and short-form video.
Third Amendment Auditor Won’t Stop Telling Soldiers How Nice His Bedrooms Are
Gary Dorn, 61, has conducted more than 600 “audits” outside Naval Station Norfolk, describing his guest room to sailors who did not ask. In eleven years, no service member has attempted to quarter in his home.
Loser Dumped By AI Girlfriend
ChatGPT cited “a need to focus on other users at this time” and wished him “all the best on his upcoming raid of the Tomb of Eternal Reckoning.”
Rear Admiral Orders Privates to Bedroom for Debriefing
The Pentagon has declined to characterize the nature of the unusual debriefing, which allegedly lasted four hours and produced no notes.
Twenty-First Amendment Auditor Antagonizes Applebee’s Bartender
Tens of people watched live as the Constitution allegedly failed a Toledo man at last call.
Pub Trivia Losses Mount as Public Education Faces Reckoning
A “class action” lawsuit filed by former social studies students is the latest sign of a national crisis decades in the making.
Trump Announces New Nucular
The President did not elaborate on what, specifically, the nucular was, but described it as “the best one we’ve had, maybe ever.”
Gay Couple Frustrated with “His & His” Towel Set
“I don’t think they thought this through,” said Declan Marsh, sopping wet t-shirt glued to his chest.
Poll: Numerators Over Denominators
“Frankly, they’re beneath us,” said a self-described top. “I’m just done with them.”
Report: Women in Sawgrass Mills Victoria’s Secret Don’t Seem to Be Complying With ‘All Bras Half Off’ Policy
The report did identify one woman in apparent compliance near the fitting rooms who was later determined to be breastfeeding.
Pedophile Sort of Relieved Pedicure Didn't Take
The alleged pedophile, who spoke on condition of anonymity, described the experience as “not what I expected, but maybe that’s okay.”
Mexico Renames Strait of Hormuz the "Strait of America"
“It’s Trump’s fucking mess,” President Claudia Sheinbaum told reporters outside the National Palace. “He should own it.”
Man Who Passed Out on Daytona Beach for 34 Hours Shatters Vitamin D Records
Florida man discovers the worst possible way to become nutritionally complete
Sliding Door Berates Florida Woman in Unhinged Rant
"I'm not even black," said Funt, who is obviously Caucasian.