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Chris Christie Walking for President in 2028
The former governor confirmed he is not running, but is, in fact, more than willing to walk.
Epstein Keeps Moving Satan's Massage to 'Next Tuesday'
The appointment has been rescheduled 359 times, allegedly.
Report: 348-Year Crop Circle Campaign Failed to Improve Conversion Metrics
The intergalactic consulting firm responsible for analyzing the campaign found strong awareness but little to no comprehension and recommends pivoting to lower-friction channels like push notifications, telepathy, and short-form video.
Third Amendment Auditor Won’t Stop Telling Soldiers How Nice His Bedrooms Are
Gary Dorn, 61, has conducted more than 600 “audits” outside Naval Station Norfolk, describing his guest room to sailors who did not ask. In eleven years, no service member has attempted to quarter in his home.
Loser Dumped By AI Girlfriend
ChatGPT cited “a need to focus on other users at this time” and wished him “all the best on his upcoming raid of the Tomb of Eternal Reckoning.”
Chris Christie Walking for President in 2028
The former governor confirmed he is not running, but is, in fact, more than willing to walk.
Trump Launches Picture-Based Social Media Platform that Enables Direct Communication with His Most Enthusiastic Supporters
🤴🏻🇺🇸💪🏻📜, known as “King America’s Powerful Edicts” among those who can read, is being hailed as “a celebration of illiteracy” by The New York Times. Newsmax called it “🐅🔥.”
Eric Trump Disinvited from Don Jr’s Wedding in First Ditch Effort to Secure President’s Attendance
A “Filet-O-Fish station” may follow, sources say, though planners are hopeful it won’t come to that.
Trump to Use ‘Anti-Weaponization Fund’ to Disarm Capitol Police
In an elegant two-part solution, the program will require Capitol police officers to participate in a mandatory buy-back program that compensates January 6 defendants with their weapons.
Pizza Hut Debuts Gluten Lover's Pizza
The pie’s signature Crust Stuffed Crust™ contains a second crust, which many food analysts believe contains a third.
PowerPoint Appendix Removed in Emergency Procedure
The Cheesecake Factory’s quarterly earnings presentation underwent the procedure Thursday morning at approximately 6:45 a.m., roughly ninety minutes before the company’s investor call.
Local Woman Won’t Shut the Fuck Up About the Difference Skyrizi® Has Made for Her Moderate-to-Severe Plaque Psoriasis
A Guest Column by Dave Kowalczyk, Owner and Operator, Oil Be Damned Oil Change & Repair LLC, Downers Grove, IL
SPAM Marketing Team Quietly Abandons Email
After years of what insiders describe as “a complicated relationship with the medium,” the brand has pivoted to what a spokesperson called “more reliable channels.”
Iran War Renewed for Season 2
A U.S. defense official described the conflict as "not something we would have developed for the U.S. market" — but acknowledged it was a hit with key Israeli audiences.
“Is It Cake?” Season 4 Delayed After Mikey Day Amputates Human Hand
“It wasn’t cake,” said Day.
Grand Theft Auto VI Delayed Until 2036
Veteran developer Rockstar Games is allegedly struggling without a PlayStation 7 dev kit.
Correction: Wayans Brothers' "The Fast and the Furriest" Not Generating Oscar Buzz, Per Se
s'not news wishes to issue a correction regarding our coverage of The Fast and the Furriest.
Frisbee Golf Caddy Not Ruling Anything Out
A freelance disc golf caddy in Eagle, Wisconsin is exploring his options. He has not ruled anything out, nor has he ruled anything in.
FIFA Honors O.J. Simpson for Groundbreaking Work on Two-Body Problem
“O.J. Simpson attacked the two-body problem with a ferocity that left the scientific community speechless,” said FIFA President Gianni Infantino, announcing the organization’s inaugural Prize in Physics.
FIFA Adds Multi-Ball, Fireball to 2026 World Cup
The governing body of world football announced Monday that matches played in the United States will feature the addition of a second ball in the 60th minute of play and a third, flaming ball during stoppage time to compensate for evolving American attention spans.
Trans Males Absolutely Dominate Iron Man’s Inaugural “Homemaking Triathlon”
Biological men demand investigation.
Wegovy Now Available in Gravy Form
Novo Nordisk announces Wegravy, a pourable formulation of the prescription weight-loss drug, with retail and foodservice partnerships bringing it to tables nationwide starting today.
RFK Jr. Extends Formal Invitation to Screwworm
The Health and Human Services secretary says the flesh-eating parasite is “misunderstood” and deserves “a seat at the table.”
FDA Approves Revolutionary Weight Loss Patch Sewn Directly Over the Mouth
Surviving patients lost an average of 20 pounds during two-week clinical trials.
McDonald’s Quietly Begins Adding Zoloft to Happy Meals
The company says the move is part of a wider “happiness initiative” addressing what it calls “a challenging operating environment for America’s children.”
God Drops Bible 2
The surprise sequel includes ten additional commandments, a foreword by Bob Ross, mixed Goodreads reviews, and several passages legal experts say may be “challenging for the Trump Administration.”
I’m Sorry, But My Dick Is Cleaner Than the Applebee’s Men’s Room Faucet
Necessary context for the three men who were also in the Applebee’s men’s room at 6:51 last night.
Local Woman Won’t Shut the Fuck Up About the Difference Skyrizi® Has Made for Her Moderate-to-Severe Plaque Psoriasis
A Guest Column by Dave Kowalczyk, Owner and Operator, Oil Be Damned Oil Change & Repair LLC, Downers Grove, IL