Chris Christie Walking for President in 2028
The former governor confirmed he is not running, but is, in fact, more than willing to walk.
Dr. Bixby Ulysses Slater III, Esq.
Editor in Chief
Nutley, NJ
Epstein Keeps Moving Satan's Massage to 'Next Tuesday'
The appointment has been rescheduled 359 times, allegedly.
Report: 348-Year Crop Circle Campaign Failed to Improve Conversion Metrics
The intergalactic consulting firm responsible for analyzing the campaign found strong awareness but little to no comprehension and recommends pivoting to lower-friction channels like push notifications, telepathy, and short-form video.
Third Amendment Auditor Won’t Stop Telling Soldiers How Nice His Bedrooms Are
Gary Dorn, 61, has conducted more than 600 “audits” outside Naval Station Norfolk, describing his guest room to sailors who did not ask. In eleven years, no service member has attempted to quarter in his home.
Frisbee Golf Caddy Not Ruling Anything Out
A freelance disc golf caddy in Eagle, Wisconsin is exploring his options. He has not ruled anything out, nor has he ruled anything in.
Loser Dumped By AI Girlfriend
ChatGPT cited “a need to focus on other users at this time” and wished him “all the best on his upcoming raid of the Tomb of Eternal Reckoning.”
Iran War Renewed for Season 2
A U.S. defense official described the conflict as "not something we would have developed for the U.S. market" — but acknowledged it was a hit with key Israeli audiences.
Trump Launches Picture-Based Social Media Platform that Enables Direct Communication with His Most Enthusiastic Supporters
🤴🏻🇺🇸💪🏻📜, known as “King America’s Powerful Edicts” among those who can read, is being hailed as “a celebration of illiteracy” by The New York Times. Newsmax called it “🐅🔥.”
FIFA Honors O.J. Simpson for Groundbreaking Work on Two-Body Problem
“O.J. Simpson attacked the two-body problem with a ferocity that left the scientific community speechless,” said FIFA President Gianni Infantino, announcing the organization’s inaugural Prize in Physics.
Wegovy Now Available in Gravy Form
Novo Nordisk announces Wegravy, a pourable formulation of the prescription weight-loss drug, with retail and foodservice partnerships bringing it to tables nationwide starting today.
“Is It Cake?” Season 4 Delayed After Mikey Day Amputates Human Hand
“It wasn’t cake,” said Day.
Rear Admiral Orders Privates to Bedroom for Debriefing
The Pentagon has declined to characterize the nature of the unusual debriefing, which allegedly lasted four hours and produced no notes.
Twenty-First Amendment Auditor Antagonizes Applebee’s Bartender
Tens of people watched live as the Constitution allegedly failed a Toledo man at last call.
Pizza Hut Debuts Gluten Lover's Pizza
The pie’s signature Crust Stuffed Crust™ contains a second crust, which many food analysts believe contains a third.
Pub Trivia Losses Mount as Public Education Faces Reckoning
A “class action” lawsuit filed by former social studies students is the latest sign of a national crisis decades in the making.