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WILTSHIRE, ENGLAND — An extraterrestrial report, discovered last summer in a field outside Devizes and translated in full as of Thursday, covers the period from 1678 through the present fiscal year and evaluates 4,812 individual crop circle deployments across 47 countries. According to the executive summary, which is two pages long and includes a six-dimensional bar graph, the campaign achieved an estimated global reach of 33 billion impressions but produced "no statistically significant improvement in new account registrations or sales conversion."
"We are not saying the work wasn't beautiful," said a representative for Xthul Consulting (IGX: ⬡◯▽△), the firm behind the initiative, in a statement accompanying the report. "We are saying it didn't move the needle."
The post-mortem identifies several structural issues with the crop circle format that limited its effectiveness as a communication channel, including its reliance on a medium that required the audience to view it from several thousand feet in the air, its vulnerability to farming, and the fact that roughly 34% of all installations were allegedly attributed to "teenagers with planks."
In recent years, attribution confidence declined further as humans became increasingly likely to classify authentic crop circle imagery as “AI-generated” (22% ± 3.2% in Q4 2025), which the report describes as “ironic” as the messages themselves are in service of a post-biological conglomerate.
The report notes that among humans who noticed the circles and correctly identified them as non-terrestrial in origin, the most common response was to film a vertical video, speculate about the meaning for an average of 11 minutes, and then "move on without acting on any calls to action."
Behavioral modeling suggests this response pattern is consistent with the audience’s broader relationship to information generally, and the report notes that the campaign’s performance was not meaningfully worse than channels considered native to the planet.
Comprehension testing, conducted across 14 focus groups in six countries, found that not a single participant could accurately summarize a crop circle message, with responses ranging from "I think it's about gluten" to a 45-minute dissertation by a man in Ohio who said it was a map to a specific intersection in downtown Flagstaff, Arizona, that turned out to be a Del Taco.
The report recommends the firm pivot to what it describes as "lower-friction outreach formats," including push notifications, telepathy, and short-form video across all major social media platforms except Truth Social, which it describes as “outside the target demo.”
The firm responsible for the campaign said it remains committed to the Earth account and has already begun developing creative for a new idea involving implants. A teaser is expected in 2078.
A footnote on page 11 indicates that revenue targets were "set at the galactic level" and are "not available for distribution at this time."
Blorp sales are down 2.3% across the Milky Way compared to the same period last century.
