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HELL, ELEVENTH CIRCLE — Jeffrey Epstein has postponed his scheduled massage with Satan for the 359th time, citing a series of conflicts that sources close to the situation described as "transparently pretextual.”
The appointment, which was established as a condition of Epstein's eternal damnation intake agreement, has been moved to the following Tuesday on 359 separate occasions since the original booking. Satan's office confirmed Thursday that the most recent reschedule came via text message at 11:47 p.m., approximately thirteen minutes before the appointment was set to begin.
"He said he wasn't feeling well," said a scheduling coordinator who asked not to be named. "He has said that over 250 times. It’s fucking hell. ‘Well’ isn’t exactly the baseline."
According to the intake agreement, reviewed by this reporter, Epstein is contractually obligated to provide Satan with a 90-minute deep tissue massage, including work on the lower back, shoulders, and "whatever else comes up." The agreement was described by Hell's legal team as standard for individuals of Epstein's specific profile, adding that the terms had been explained to him clearly at intake and that he had "nodded in a way that suggested he understood."
Epstein has since disputed this characterization.
A spokesperson for Epstein said he remained "committed to honoring his obligations" and was simply waiting for a time that "worked better for everyone." When asked when that might be, the spokesperson said next Tuesday.
Satan declined to comment for this story but was described by two sources as "not not annoyed." In the context of eternity, the coordinator noted, 359 Tuesdays is "not really that long." The coordinator then added that it was still annoying.
Hell's appointment system, which processes an average of 1.3 million bookings per day, was described by the scheduling coordinator as "not really designed for this level of back-and-forth."
Epstein's original intake interview lasted four hours and covered, among other topics, the nature of eternal consequence, the structure of Hell's restorative justice programming, and what was described in the transcript as "a fairly lengthy discussion about whether any of this was technically his fault." The intake officer's notes from that session included the phrase "he's going to be a problem" underlined twice.
The next appointment is scheduled for Tuesday.
