Table of Contents
EVERYWHERE — God released a follow-up to the Bible late Sunday night with no advance notice, no ecclesiastical review, and a post on X at 11:52 p.m. that simply read "here."
Bible 2, which runs 614 pages, picks up roughly where the original left off, though theologians who have reviewed early chapters describe the timeline as "non-linear" and "ambitious." Several passages appear to directly address events from the last two thousand years. Others raise new questions that sources close to God say were intentional.
The Vatican called the release "unexpected." The Southern Baptist Convention called it "premature." Donald Trump called his lawyer.
Early reviews are mixed. Bible 2 currently holds a 3.1 on Goodreads, with one reviewer calling it "a lot to process" and another giving it one star because it "undermines canon." A third reviewer said it was "better than the first one," a statement theologians have described as “possibly blasphemous. We're not sure yet."
A planned audio book has been delayed due to Morgan Freeman’s sudden death last month following a heated contractual dispute.
Notable additions in Bible 2 include a revised stance on several earlier positions, described in the text only as "you misunderstood," an entire chapter that appears to be about America though America is never mentioned by name, and a foreword by Bob Ross, who briefly stepped away from his eternal damnation and fiery torture to endorse the book.
Perhaps the most anticipated addition, however, is titled The Next Ten Commandments, which sources describe as "clarifications" and God describes as "things that should not have needed clarifying:”
11. Thou shalt not bring cupcakes with too much frosting. Thou knowest the ratio.
12. Thou shalt not deport the people I specifically told you to welcome.
13. Thou shalt not “manifest.” It's giving Creator.
14. Thou shalt not destroy the environment I made. I worked six days on that.
15. Thou shalt not cut food for the hungry to pay for a tax cut. I was very clear about the hungry.
16. Thou shalt not sell Bible 1 or Bible 2 bundled with the Constitution, the Bill of Rights, the Declaration of Independence, and the handwritten lyrics to a Lee Greenwood song for an exorbitant price without my express written permission.
17. Thou shalt not leave a one star review because the post office lost thy package.
18. Thou shalt not protect pedophiles. Jesus Christ people.
19. Thou shalt not put ice in wine.
20. Thou shalt not pardon thyself.
A spokesperson for the Catholic Church noted that the new commandments range from "geopolitically significant to surprisingly personal" and that the Church would be analyzing all ten at length before issuing a formal response.
Lee Greenwood has not yet commented on commandment sixteen specifically but released a statement questioning God's patriotism. Sources close to God say He is aware of the statement and has chosen not to respond, “at least not with words."
President Trump said he had not read Bible 2 but that God had personally told him it was "incredible, maybe the best thing ever written" and that several passages were his idea. He could not name the passages. Trump also described certain commandments as "very unfair, very one-sided" and indicated he would be consulting with his legal team. The White House did not respond to repeated requests for comment on commandments eighteen and twenty.
Democrats moved to ban Bible 2 from public schools before it had finished downloading.
The original Bible remains available wherever books are sold and is currently ranked #1 in Hotels.
God could not be reached for comment.
