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WASHINGTON — The Department of War's 14 hours of UFO "footage" dropped exclusively on Tubi Friday to a 6% Rotten Tomatoes score, no press screenings, and a review embargo lifted ten minutes prior. As of press time, the only praise came from critics whose recent recommendations include Tyler Perry's Madea's Arbor Day, Divorce Court: Miami — The Movie, and the Wayans brothers' The Fast and the Furriest.
The footage, covering unidentified aerial phenomena dating to the Apollo 12 mission in 1969, was released with a single post on X reading "here you go." The Secretary of War was unavailable for comment. The Deputy Secretary was unavailable for comment. A third official, whose name and title were deliberately obscured, said the footage "speaks for itself" and has not been heard from since. Requests for additional interviews have been directed to a publicist, who has not responded, and may not exist.
Early audience reviews have been mixed. "Honestly thought this was something else," wrote one viewer. "Buffered constantly," wrote another. A third asked "What even is this?" — a question the Pentagon has declined to address.
The footage itself has been described by the Department of War as depicting phenomena that "resist conventional explanation," which several critics noted is also true of the runtime, the picture quality, and the decision to include a 40-minute sequence in which nothing moves.
The release also did not include the names of additional Epstein associates, a rationale for the war with Iran, or guidance on surging gas prices, none of which were listed among the footage's bonus features.
No sequel is currently in development, according to sources, though the Pentagon noted it has "additional material" should public interest warrant it. When asked to describe that material, a spokesperson said it was "along similar lines." When asked how similar, the spokesperson said "very."
"We think people are going to want to sit with this," one Defense official said. "Take their time. Really let it wash over them." When asked how long officials expected that to take, the official said ideally through the midterms.
Aliens could not be reached for comment.
