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WASHINGTON — A previously classified report released Saturday by the Federal Bureau of Investigation has concluded, after a fourteen-month investigation, that Shakira’s hips have been lying — possibly for decades.
The report, a whopping 3,340 pages with 281 pages fully redacted, was commissioned in March of last year after FBI Director Kash Patel, during what aides described as “an interagency mixer,” allegedly grew “extremely agitated” by the 2006 hit “Hips Don’t Lie” and convinced himself it was a coverup.
“He kept saying, ‘how do we know that?’” said one senior official who requested anonymity. “‘How does anyone know that? Has anyone checked?’”
By most accounts, no one had.
In internal communications obtained by this outlet, Patel described the investigation as touching on “national security concerns, immigration integrity, and the broader question of what else this woman’s body parts have not been honest about.” Patel said the scope of the inquiry was “appropriate and ongoing.”
Patel personally administered portions of a polygraph examination to the implicated body parts, a decision that drew criticism from career FBI officials who noted that polygraph administration requires specialized training and that the Director appeared, at various points during the session, to be “a little wobbly.”
The resulting report found that not only had Shakira’s hips been engaged in sustained and deliberate deception, but that the deception extended further than initially believed.
“The hips lied,” the report states conclusively on page one. “Moreover, and this office cannot stress this enough, the breasts are off the chart.”
That finding has since become the subject of significant congressional interest. Senator Rand Paul called for a full audit of all pop singer bodily representations. Senator John Fetterman called a press conference to say he had “always had a feeling.” The White House declined to comment, though sources familiar with the matter say the President has read Appendix D “multiple times” and has described it as “very, very interesting, maybe the most interesting appendix anyone has ever seen.”
Representative Jim Jordan, appearing on Fox News Saturday evening, was characteristically direct. “We need to haul her ass in here and ask it the questions the American people deserve answers to,” Jordan said, blasting the table with his open hand. “Under oath. In this committee. I’ll run the hearing myself.”
Shakira’s legal team released a brief statement Wednesday blasting the findings and calling the investigation “an unprecedented overreach.”
Two conflicting whistleblowers have since come forward. A former polygraph technician claims Patel disregarded standard protocols and at one point, unprompted, challenged the hips to “say it to my face.” The second whistleblower, whose identity remains protected, alleges the original song itself was “a massive, coordinated disinformation campaign” and that the hips knew exactly what they were doing the whole time.
Both whistleblowers are currently in protective custody at an undisclosed location.
Shakira is scheduled to perform in Miami next month. Patel’s office has requested front-row seats “for monitoring purposes.”
Her hips could not be reached for comment.
