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WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump defecated in Secretary of State Marco Rubio's pants Wednesday afternoon during a bilateral meeting with the Finnish prime minister, sources confirmed. Rubio, who was wearing the pants at the time, called the experience "humbling" and said he hoped to have the opportunity again soon.
"It's not something you expect," Rubio told reporters outside the West Wing, gesturing vaguely at his lower half. "But when the president looks you in the eye, unbuttons your pants, and shits right in them — while you, yourself, are still in them — you realize — this is what service looks like. This is what it means to be part of something bigger than yourself."
When pressed by a reporter as he boarded Marine One on why he had chosen to defecate in Rubio’s pants, Trump seemed puzzled by the question. "I wasn't going to shit in my own pants," he said. Trump added that Rubio had been "very professional about it" and that he had chosen him specifically because "Marco's got great pants. Very roomy. You feel that quality right away."
The incident occurred approximately twenty minutes into the meeting, which had been going well by all accounts until it wasn't. The Finnish prime minister departed shortly afterward, releasing a brief statement calling the visit "enlightening" and declining further questions. Finland has requested no follow-up meeting at this time.
Rubio said he had not been given advance notice that this would occur, but added that he should have been prepared for anything, given that this was, as he put it, "the honor of a lifetime — all of it, not just today, but today especially.”
White House Chief of Staff Susie Wiles confirmed the incident was "not a scheduled event" but declined to characterize it as a mistake, calling it instead "an exercise of executive discretion." She denied reports that Trump had wiped himself with Rubio's tie, noting that the red one he was currently wearing — clearly different from the blue one he had on in the morning — was "a gift from Prime Minister Orpo." She said no further briefing on the matter would be provided and thanked reporters for their understanding, which they had not offered.
At press time, Rubio had submitted a formal written request to be included in any future incidents, "at the president's convenience and entirely on his terms."
