Trump Announces New Nucular
The President did not elaborate on what, specifically, the nucular was, but described it as “the best one we’ve had, maybe ever.”
Dr. Bixby Ulysses Slater III, Esq.
Editor in Chief
Nutley, NJ
Gay Couple Frustrated with “His & His” Towel Set
“I don’t think they thought this through,” said Declan Marsh, sopping wet t-shirt glued to his chest.
RFK Jr. Extends Formal Invitation to Screwworm
The Health and Human Services secretary says the flesh-eating parasite is “misunderstood” and deserves “a seat at the table.”
FIFA Adds Multi-Ball, Fireball to 2026 World Cup
The governing body of world football announced Monday that matches played in the United States will feature the addition of a second ball in the 60th minute of play and a third, flaming ball during stoppage time to compensate for evolving American attention spans.
PowerPoint Appendix Removed in Emergency Procedure
The Cheesecake Factory’s quarterly earnings presentation underwent the procedure Thursday morning at approximately 6:45 a.m., roughly ninety minutes before the company’s investor call.
Poll: Numerators Over Denominators
“Frankly, they’re beneath us,” said a self-described top. “I’m just done with them.”
FDA Approves Revolutionary Weight Loss Patch Sewn Directly Over the Mouth
Surviving patients lost an average of 20 pounds during two-week clinical trials.
McDonald’s Quietly Begins Adding Zoloft to Happy Meals
The company says the move is part of a wider “happiness initiative” addressing what it calls “a challenging operating environment for America’s children.”
CVS Employee Steps Up to Provide Prostate Exams to Underserved Women of Minneapolis
“Ninety-nine percent of women never get one,” said Craig Muttner, 19, who is raising awareness.
Report: Women in Sawgrass Mills Victoria’s Secret Don’t Seem to Be Complying With ‘All Bras Half Off’ Policy
The report did identify one woman in apparent compliance near the fitting rooms who was later determined to be breastfeeding.
Grand Theft Auto VI Delayed Until 2036
Veteran developer Rockstar Games is allegedly struggling without a PlayStation 7 dev kit.
Pedophile Sort of Relieved Pedicure Didn't Take
The alleged pedophile, who spoke on condition of anonymity, described the experience as “not what I expected, but maybe that’s okay.”
Eric Trump Disinvited from Don Jr’s Wedding in First Ditch Effort to Secure President’s Attendance
A “Filet-O-Fish station” may follow, sources say, though planners are hopeful it won’t come to that.
Trump to Use ‘Anti-Weaponization Fund’ to Disarm Capitol Police
In an elegant two-part solution, the program will require Capitol police officers to participate in a mandatory buy-back program that compensates January 6 defendants with their weapons.
